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Trailer For Me A Shower For The Homeless!

This is a go fund me that will be a lot of fun to follow on social if it happens. I need 1000 people to do $10 apiece. At least that’s what I think is doable. Thanks in advance for all your love and support and generosity.


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Look Up

Look Up

When I look down at the small rectangular light in my hand, my thoughts turn sharp, small, and angry. 
When I look up at the light of the Universe and MY God, my thoughts are inspiring, awesome, and full of love. 
Look up for your light. 
Chances are there will be dark all around you when you look up for your light,

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Music Is The Can Opener For My Soul

Music is important in my life.  Day in Day out, music is the art form my soul has chosen for comfort.  As many of you have read, my morning routine is the most important part of my day.  If I am able to experience a favorite “oldie” or have the joy of a new musical discovery in the morning, I am bound to have a blast off kind of day.  It has been like this for as long as I can remember.  One of the original “shock jock’s” was Larry Lujak on WLS 890 AM.  I would listen to Larry in the bathroom in the mornings back then, much the same way I still enjoy the WXRT morning show with Lin Brehmer… sorry Richard Milne.  If I were to give credit for this love of music, it would be to my father.  My dad loved music.  Some of his favorites were Tina Turner, Linda Ronstadt, Steve Winwood, The Doobie Brothers, and a ton of other really groovy bands from the 70’s.  My dad even loved Barbara Streisand, as her artistic talent surpassed his distaste for her politics.  Like most dads, there were a couple songs he played over and over and over and over.  One of those songs was Higher Love by Steve Winwood.  During my morning shave a few days ago, this blast from the past came on the radio.  I instantly thought of dad and the millions of memories which accompany this song into my heart.  Music is the can opener for my soul.  It gets to those places where feelings and memories rush at a rate no less than what feels like drinking water from a fire hydrant.  These moments can be overwhelming for this bipolar bear, but luckily, I have learned to handle them in a healthy manner.  This does not preclude me however from spending a good part of my morning wiping away the happy tears of joy that flow when I experience these intense moments.  Music may be the most universally experienced art form this world knows.  It touches more people than any other creative endeavor I am aware of and has the power to heal in ways we will never fully comprehend.  All that being said, I would like to share with you some of the music that has been touching my soul as we live through this pandemic together.  Being a Gen X’er, I of course will be making you all a “mix tape.”  I will call this Corona-cation 2020 NBFF’s (New Best Friends Forever).  While I do indeed still have a cassette recorder, I realize more likely than not ZERO of you have one of these relics of the 70’s and 80’s. I have included a link to the playlist I made on YouTube. 

I hope you enjoy the music and the story behind each song.

Leon Bridges If It Feels Good     

One of the best parts about being married to my wife is when we met, we already liked a lot of the same music.  This is key for me and not many 30 something professional women enjoy bluegrass and Justin Bieber. So when I found out wifey did indeed have a broad spectrum of musical taste, it attracted me even more to this once in a lifetime love.  Over the years there have been more than a few instances where we have heard a new song together for the first time.  From Mr. Bieber (we saw his premier on Letterman) to The Record Company (WXRT Morning Show). When we hear gems such as this, we look at each other and know that we have both filed the song away as a snapshot in time which neither of us wants to forget.  Wifey and I took a trip to Missoula, Montana, for the 2018/2019 New Year holiday.  My father-in-law lives in New Mexico with his girlfriend during the Winter months, so we were able to enjoy the holiday just the two of us.   As I mentioned, WXRT is our favorite radio station in Chicago, and I have listened for over 25 years. It’s very comforting when we go to Missoula and discovered “The Trail,” which plays 80% of the same music as WXRT, and the remaining 20% is music I wish they played here in Chicago. When in Missoula, wifey and I take a walk every morning about one quarter of a mile up the road to Bernice‘s Bakery. It is there where we spend about 30 minutes to an hour reading newspapers, drinking coffee, and enjoying fresh baked goods. One beautiful snowy morning, we walked home from Bernice’s and began getting our ski gear ready. I am one of those men who shaves his face every morning. And I like music when I do so. This morning we of course had The Trail on, and a funky little beat came on. This caused me to poke my head around the corner of the bathroom door.  As if on cue, my wife poked her head around the doorway of the kitchen at the same time, and we immediately smiled at each other. I said “this is a pretty cool funky little song.” She agreed and we started a session of kitchen dancing immediately.  Spur of the moment kitchen dancing is something I highly recommend. It feels silly at first, but then you let go and just have fun.

Bill Withers Lean On Me  

While Dad was a big influence on my love for music, his dad also provided me with favorite lyrical momentos as well.  Some of my favorite memories as a kid were with Dede (my grandfather) on Saturday mornings.  We did not have a standing weekly time or anything like that, he was way too busy.  What I remember is that we were able to see each other from time to time on a Saturday morning.  Most of the time we would be at my grandparents’ home for brunch.  When I was very small, I remember running into their home on Saturday morning and going straight to the bathroom to watch Dede shave!!  It was soooo exciting! From time to time we would get in the car and run errands together.  These memories are some of the funniest.  Dede was known to pull into traffic without looking.  When I was 10, there was noone I trusted more than both of my grandfathers, so I thought the honking I heard as we backed onto Ogden Avenue was hysterical.  I asked him, when I realized what the honking was really about, if he thought maybe it would be a good idea for him to look before he went into traffic.  Dede assured me if there was anyone who was going to hit him, “they would move out of the way.”  I don’t even know what to say about this kind of statement…other than Dede is one of the few people I have known who could say something like that and get away with it.  He was amazing.  Dede built businesses and had a lot of friends who did the same when they returned from winning World War II.  One of these friends had a company that was one of the earliest in the car phone market.  It was the early 80’s and this car phone friend made sure all of his friends had car phones.  It was the shit.  The handset was white, the numbers were red against the dark background, and there were two antennae protruding from the trunk.  One of our Saturday morning errands was to have his phone serviced. On one of these phone repair outings, he backing into traffic as usual, but this time he caused quite a ruckus.  When he saw the curious look on my face, he turned up the radio to distract me.  Coming through the speakers was Bill Withers belting out Lean On Me.  Dede started singing and I joined in even though I did not know the words.  Lean On Me is one of those songs everyone knows the first time they hear it…. as if it has been living inside us the whole time.  These are universal truths spoken to us through the prophets we call singer songwriters.  Dede was not the kind of man to belt out in song and this is the only memory I have of him doing so.  After my grandfather passed away, my grandmother gave me one of his books, “Don’t Sweat The Small Stuff… and it’s all small stuff.”  It is clear now backing into traffic without looking is small stuff.  I wish he were here today for me to lean on as we live through these days together apart, day in day out.  

Kygo/Whitney Houston Higher Love

This is a bit of a twister…but I guess a remix is just that, by definition.  Higher Love was no doubt the song my dad played more than any other by 10x.  I can tell you that he would have 100% loathed this version.  I found this version by accident just this morning and I love it so much that I am sure I have tested the envelope on the number of times a song can be played in a day.  Dad would be proud of the excess.  This song in its original form has been nothing short of vital in the shaping of who I am today.  It is not possible to hear a song so pregnant with meaning and not have it open the soul. From time to time I will listen to a song with new ears.  This happens as a result of life experiences shaping my perspective along the way and music accesses the part of me that is willing to see the world more empathetically and openly.  I bet I have heard this song with dozens of sets of “new ears.”  SO when I heard this remix version for the first time, I was hit with a huge flood of emotions.  First and as I said, I knew dad would hate the remix which made me laugh.  He was a silly guy and would have said Ace of Base was “a better song.”  It also made me think of all the people who are struggling right now to stay on their feet and how this song may inspire them.  It then occurred to me that there are people who are doing well individually right now, and this song may just introduce them to the humility needed to handle success when the world is heaving.  I was also hit with a huge amount of sadness for Whitney Houston and her daughter Bobbi.  She was an American Treasure.  It is a heartbreaking shame how those she allowed to be close to her and her daughter were nothing but leeches.  Whitney was never able to herself through our eyes.  As an addict, I never thought I was going to live past the age of thirty.  My fear was suffering the same fate as Whitney.  For as long as I can remember, I have played the tape of what my life would look like if I continued down my destructive path.  Death was the most likely outcome.  We can go deeper into that later, but let’s just say I am empathetic to Whitney in a way that only an addict can be.  The combination of all these factors, as well as the fact that there are always hot girls in Kygo videos, landed this classic on the inaugural Corona-cation 2020 playlist. Just a really good morning shower song. 

Greensky Bluegrass In Control

The lyrics really speak to me in this one.  I discovered Greensky Bluegrass about 10 years ago.  I have been a Deadhead for a long time and have always enjoyed going to shows and festivals.  I went to my first “Jamgrass” festival in 2012 in Nelson County, VA.  The Infamous Stringdusters host “Festy” every year and it is right in their own backyard.  After just a couple minutes on the festival grounds, I knew I had found my new favorite way to spend time and relax.  And I now have a rule that if I don’t have an assigned seat or can’t bring a lawn chair, I ain’t going.  This has suited me well and saved my hips and back a ton of pain and suffering.  The one exception is the annual guys trip to see Dead and Co. in Boulder.  I’ll suck it up for Bobby.  One thing has changed over the years as I continue to attend these events.  I don’t drink alcohol.  My regular readers know I quit drinking on September 3, 2004 and have been working on staying sober ever since that day.  Slowly, I am coming out of the “green closet.”  That is to say I am a daily cannabis user and live a life based on the 12 steps and other principals of sober living.  That side of the story is too deep to go into at this point, and rest assured, I will fill you in over time.  Greensky’s In Control is a song that exhibits the pride and new found freedom recovery has to offer.  It honors the struggles of the past while never dwelling and always feeling gratitude.  Even in the face of extreme uncertainty… “it could all be worth it though, how the hell are we to know…?”  This is a song I can hold onto for solid comfort and truth.  The lyrics express gratitude for chaos, which a recovering addict can access… it is what keeps him alive and In Control #dayindayout.

Maroon 5 Memories

Ok I know this is cheesy as fuck, like a high-grade Velveeta melted down with some government issue cheddar.  But hey, I am a sentimental guy and I really like this song and the memories my little modern family has built over the years.  Hell, these memories are the only thing we truly own.  No one can take them away.  I love printing pictures from my phone at Walgreens and putting them in photo brag books.  I will even stop what I am doing from time to time to just sit and page through a couple of books, smile, and yes, cry…a lot. When my daughters were little, this was exactly the kind of song we all would have belted out at the top of our lungs on the way to All About Dance practice.  Being a dad is simply the greatest joy and struggle of my life, day in day out, these little angels bless me in ways I can’t even fully understand…and I am grateful for all those Memories.

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“If You Are Struggling… Call a Drunk!”

If you are struggling, call a drunk.

This may seem like odd advice, but it could be just the thing that gets you through this pandemic. Recovering from addiction is a lot like sheltering in place. Ultimately we are all responsible for our own health…physical, mental and spiritual health. Think BODY MIND SPIRIT. It takes all three to enjoy the full benefits of recovery. When I started my recovery journey, someone told me “this really is not that hard, all you have to change is everything…” So when the Shelter in Place order came down from states across the nation, this alcoholic knew he had the skills to pay the bills. Everything is going to change!

As a group, we alcoholics have some special “skills” we have learned to get through and thrive during tough times. Changing everything is what I needed to do to save my own life 15 years ago. It took several years for me to realize that I alone was my biggest problem and that not only was no one else to blame for my predicaments, but I was indeed the only one who could dig myself out of the hole in which the disease of alcoholism put me. I see a lot of similarities between our nation and an alcoholic. An intervention is the event that starts many alcoholic/addicts on the road to recovery. An intervention is generally what takes place before the addict goes off to rehab for 28 days. During these intervention meetings, family and friends “surprise” the addict when they walk into a room set up for just such an event. There is always a recovery professional in attendance to make sure things stay on track as much as possible. One by one, people read a statement describing how they have been affected by this person’s addiction and behavior. This is very painful and emotional for all involved and the reality is no one knows how it will turn out at the end of the day. Sometimes the addict will go along with their loved ones and go to rehab and take their medicine, however, many times this is not the case. Addicts are well known for not being able to see what is so clear to everyone else. It is apparent to me that we are in the same situation as a nation.

At this moment, we are being asked to look at ourselves and make some big changes. Mother Earth, Universe, God, seem to be saying we have taken things too far and this entity has invited us to a global intervention. Are we going to take our medicine and start to get better or are we going to go on and continue to act like a bunch of assholes? There are some of us who have taken this medicine before and are actually very well prepared for times such as these. As I mentioned, when I got sober, I needed to change everything. Of course I had no idea what this meant at the time and thought it was a joke, but then EVERYTHING changed. I learned through this process that things did get better… different but better, and I started living a “normal” life.

Today more than ever this seems to be a healthy perspective to get our lives back on track. The states are all going to reopen their economies as they see appropriate. What if we looked at restarting our individual lives in much the same way the states are starting their economies. I have decided not to worry about the specific machinations around how politicians and business leaders are going to reopen the economy. Maybe in much the same way governors have decided to not look to the feds for help. People need to be aware of certain timelines of course, but anything happening outside the four walls that make up my home, is a distant 2nd in importance. More importantly, I am going to “reopen” the inside of myself. What do I need to adjust and improve about myself so that I can make the highest contribution possible when things get “moving” again? Think about that for a moment. What if everyone just stopped watching the news? There is nothing new or important on the cable news channels. Just turn them off. Then commit to 30 minutes of media consumption per day. That is all you need in order to find out when you are going back to work, and whether or not your elected officials have decided to open up the local economy again. What else do you need to know about the outside world? Everything else you need to prepare for the re-opening is already between your ears.

This is tough psychological work though and most people are just too scared to go down their own personal rabbit hole. I don’t blame anyone for this. While I knew I was an alcoholic from the time I was 16 and also knew I was going to have to do something about it, I did not start working at getting sober until two weeks before my oldest biological daughter was born. When I was hired as a financial advisor at UBS, the manager who hired me said… “I think I am looking at someone who has taken a little longer to grow up than most.” Wow! He hit the nail on the head. I still am not grown up…it is comforting to me then when my Dr. told me “there is no such thing as adults.” What a relief…although there are some grown ups that are more mature than others.

I have heard reports from people first hand as well as from the little news that I do watch that people are finding themselves waking up at 3:00 am, frightened, and not able to go back to sleep. Folks are finding this time to be actually very scary. When people’s minds begin to race, thoughts can go off into some incredibly dark places, even without a pandemic. As I have worked to stay sober, I have learned over the years that in order for me to get to the next plateau of my life’s journey, I need to go through the darkness. The first time I truly encountered the darkness, it was awful. There were parts of myself which I killed with alcohol, drugs, sex, and other distractions. When those distractions went away, I was left alone with my own thoughts. FUCK!!! In 1654, Pascal wrote his famous quote “All of humankind’s problems come from his inability to sit quietly in a room alone.” Let that sink in nice and deep for a minute and then think about it later. There may have never been a better time to hear these words than right now. I have learned whatever dark thoughts I have at 3:00 a.m., I need to write them down and talk about them later with my sponsor or someone else that I trust to hold my secrets. However, there is at least one person in my life who knows everything, or else I am still prone to play games with the fragmented version of myself that I have put into the world. It feels impossible to not believe in the pain that has fallen on you in the middle of the night. It feels so real that it must be your reality. I am here to report all those fears you feel at 3:00 a.m. are False Evidence Appearing Real (FEAR). The reality is you are safe at home in your bed, be grateful. The reality is that you have a small studio apartment for which you can pay rent, be grateful. The reality is you have a bed with sheets and a blanket, be grateful. The reality is you have food within an arm’s reach, be grateful. The reality is your children are sleeping in their rooms, be grateful. I have found it is indeed gratitude which gets me to a place where I can be quiet. This has ended up being the greatest gift I have ever given myself. The ability to sit still in a room alone and quietly is a powerful skill to posses and it is in short supply.

During the Summer of 2018, my wife and I executed what we called a “hard reset” for our marriage. From Memorial Day to Labor Day we lived apart and had very limited interactions. This was absolutely the toughest thing I have ever had to work through. There were two keys to my individual success and therefore the success of the marriage. First, I never pointed the finger at anyone else unless I was standing in front of a mirror. Second, whenever I awoke at 3:00 am or had a similar event during the day, I had to sit with the fear and figure out where it was coming from within me. 99% of the time it is an implicit memory from my childhood. I saw my therapist twice a week for most of the summer and she took a lot of calls from me when I was struggling with what I later discovered was “flooding.” At the end of the day though, the responsibility for getting better is always on my shoulders, and only I will know to what level I have done the work, as honestly as possible. I have received a corresponding amount of contentment in my life after these dark stretches. When the darkness comes, it’s not so dark any longer. Heck sometimes what used to be complete darkness, is now beautiful twilight. Crises make reputations. If you know someone with long term success in recovery and are struggling yourself, reach out to them and ask for help. “Old-Timers” love being of service, and it is what keeps this alcoholic sober. I would strongly recommend that if your mind is like a dangerous neighborhood, never go in there alone.