I’ve been thinking about writing this for a long time now and I’m finally ready to put it down on paper. It is nothing too serious, just a funny thought that could be helpful to millions of people all around the world. A few years ago my wife and daughters wanted to do something special for my birthday. Now I am usually the planner for vacations, family outings, hiking trips etc., you know all the stuff that kids love to do with their parents. My wife insisted this time though that she would be the one to make the plans. I let her know that I would love to go to a drive-in movie, we had been going for the previous couple years and everyone had a good time. No excitement runs high during my birthday… the end of school is near and everyone has broken into full Summer mode from Spring fever. I remember clearly my wife came home early from work, packed our lunch, and other snacks for the movie blankets etc. we went and picked up the girls from school. I asked my wife if I could help her navigate to the drive-in. She said sure and gave me the name and address of the theater. I immediately knew that this was not going to be turning out the way she had hoped. She had not contacted a drive-in movie theater but rather some other traditional theater in West Chicago. Now to her credit, the drive-in is actually in West Chicago. It took a lot for me to get the nerve to break it to her that she had not found the drive-in movie theater at all. I let it go as far as I could before I insisted she pull over so we can discuss the reality of the situation and make new plans. This was all very funny and the girls thought it was hysterical as Kimley usually does have some problems when it comes to making plans of this sort for the family. Since I love doing the same things I did as a child, it was easy to figure out what our next move would be. We went to the go-kart track and batting cages… of course. Kimley also loves, loves, loves, go-karts. It’s her little “Barbie Dream Highway” way of feeling wind in her face. Now here’s a very important part of the story, on our way to the go cart track my wife assured me that since she had make such an existential blunder on my birthday that I would be getting lucky later that night. To say this put a smile on my face would be understanding it by about 1,000,000 miles.
Now what happens next is truly life changing. When I got to the bathroom, something very profound occurred to me. It could be the most unsanitary practice we have as hygienic humans. As a species, we have learned that bathing and cleanliness prevents disease as well as other infections and ailments. We have been conditioned to engage is a few widely accepted but very seldom questioned practices regarding our personal hygiene. As Americans, we are, I believe, the only country that more or less takes a shower everyday. I learned this when I was in college and spent a semester in Spain…. it really is not that big of deal. While in the bathroom at the go-kart track, I took all of this into consideration within a matter of seconds and realized that we have our bathroom routine all wrong.
I love taking a long warm shower in he morning. Not only does it help wake me up, but taking showers is a good practice for bipolar sufferers. I will cut to the chase and admit that the first part of my body that I wash is indeed my “magic wand), even before I wash my hair. What comes next after shampooing the ever retreating patch of hair that is holding on to my scalp for dear life, is another washing of Mr. You Know Who! I of course pay extra attention to my under arms, knowing that this is the part of myself that will repel most to the other side of the room as a result of my stench. My rear end of course gets a second pass with the washcloth and of course last but not least, I take a third pass on my Jimmy Johnson. Now, I have made sure that Mr. Wonderful is indeed the cleanest part of my body, hands down. The question I have is what happens when I go into the bathroom and remove Sparkles from it’s holding pen with the hands that I have just been using to slug baseballs and steer go-karts?
Needless to say, and almost immediately, I learned that in order to protect my wife from licking the steering wheel of the go-karts and shoving the batting cage bats into you know where, I needed to wash my hands BEFORE using the toilet. If I fail to do this, am I not exposing her to all the gross little creepy crawlies that live on those steering wheels and batting cage bats?? If I wash my hands after I drain the pickle, it is no different than if she were to lick the bats directly, place them up her vajayjay, or rub herself directly on the steering wheel. GROSS!!! I could not get this visual out of my head. When I returned to take a final lap around the track and have a few last swings of the bat, I shared these discoveries with my wife. Of course my daughters did not want to discuss these revelations and were grossed out by the entire story. My wife on the other hand found these discoveries to be not only beneficial to her health, but also one of the funniest commentaries i have come up with. Gentlemen, WASH YOUR HANDS FIRST!!! YOUR WIFE WILL THANK YOU!!!